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sadness, anger, anxiety.

when i was talking to the chaplain, Darlene, i felt so overwhelmingly nervous. I felt like i was going to be sick. it kinda sucked. Actually it sucked alot.

Dad still doesnt get the fact that Im depressed, he seems to think itws because of me not know what i want to do. And it pissed me off. Because he was fucking drunk, and thats one of the fucking reasons why im depressed. Yeah, thats real understanding, dad. He even suggested that we move to fucking New Zealand... what the fuck would that solve? If anything it would make me dramatically worse. I would have to leave my beloved horses, and that would screw me up a beauty. Like I want that! Sure I love new Zealand, but my life, as depressing as it may be (at the moment), is here in WA. Even if so much has turned to shit and i  just want to leave.. completely... some times.
I couldn't leave this shit. It wouldn't help me. Wouldn't make me better at all. But I can leave school and that is something at least. All the comformist fuckers would be left behind, left to rot in a world of shit. But then the depression kicks in and i find myself thinking 'what's the point?' Depression makes you less likely to do what you want to do, to do all the things that you love to do, and need to do to lift yourself outof the depressive state of mind. It's fucked. I want it to be gone now please... but it's  just not that simple anymore. Was life ever simple? Nah, we just learn to make the best out of soemthing. Doesn't always work... or so it would seem

Right now Im feeling blank. I'm not happy, i'm not upset. Just blank. And that can't be good, can it? Because we are usually feeling something. Oh well... it will pass as soon as i talk to another person... and the sadness will all come back again... Pretty fucked, huh?! I'm certainly not enjoying it one bit. I wish it would pass and i could feel emotion again. I dont care if its sad, angry, .... suicidle. Whatever, just give me emotion.... I want to cry, but I cant.  Fuckin hell

---

 

I dont want to go to school tomorrow... or ever again. Not because i can't be fucked, not because im a lazy superficial bitch. Because it's one of the main reasons for my depression, and it's seemily pointless to try and alleviate it if I'm continuing to remain at school... it's condradiction. And it's annoying. We have a 4 day weekend, that should be good. Ash isnt too happy that I can't come to his place. But I just don't want to be away from home for that long right now. Even if its with him. And im usually happy with him. I just need some time to myself... to think, do other things.

 

Ok well, i better go. Im tired and ready for bed.

Well all this feeling bad shit has finally talked about... and I'm told I migh have depression. And its possible... in fact, iI agree. I feel like shit right now

Well I feel more shit than ever. I saw Tammy today and she said that she's concerned because Im showing serious signs of depression. She was a big help because she is very understanding and knows and does her job really well. I trust her and can talk easy with her. I would be so fucked with out Tammy... And Ash, and Tracey (Jakes mum) and jake is good to talk to aswell... because hes been in a similar situation.
After i saw tammy, I went and saw the school Chaplain and she is going to refer me to a pshychiatrist (did i spell that right?) person and Tracey is booking me in at Allisons (my doctor).. Im finding it hard to cope with all this. Its' all very insane. But i hope I get better.. I just feel like shit...

I dont want to talk anymore... depression makes you less likely to enjoy the things you used to love... like writing in LJ

 

Well tonight was great. Jake and I went out to where Mum's living at the moment and had a jam session. It was so much fun. Jake and mum were playing Halleluja and mums boyfriend Damen was singing. It was beautiful. and i as usual, got jake to play Grace. Love it. We're going to organise more jam sessions and make sure my brother comes too. he is really a legend at lap slide... playing a righr handed guitar upside down adds to the talent. It's fuckin amazing. And because he plays upside down, he gets these sounds that others cant when they play properly
Mum loves Jake, she is so happy that he plays fingerstyle (where you pick the strings with your fingers instead of strumming using the pick) she said to me that Jake's a "lovely boy" :) lol. It's so funny when she says that

What else do i have to say?
I have been working hard with King, trying to get our parelli down. And it's going great. We need to work on the head yeilding. Kings doing a good job but he doesn't do that very well yet. The requirments to pass level 1 include the horse yeilding it's head down so you can put the halter on with your arm over the horses head. Im hoping to get that good tomorrow. Im going to my aunts place to get this movie Jake and I are gonna watch on sunday. So i'll do the horse stuff after that :D

Well that all I have to say for now.Ill post again soon

Outside on a winter's night as the rain begins to fall
There's a chill in the air and the howl of the wolves’
While the rain beats at the door

Seven kings will ride on the wind up towards the mountains high
And the only sound that will break the air is the warrior's bitter cry

When the dawn of a new sun will see the day
And the strongest hearts grow old
And the warrior stands on top of the hill in the snow

Dark night with a glimmering light in the distance up ahead
In the forest they dwell with a mystery spell no one heard what once was said
And the eagle fly through the clouds while the earth bleeds dark and cold
When the voices of men will ring out again all creation shall unfold

When the colour of night will fade to light as the mysteries unfold
And the warrior stands on top of the hill in the snow

And we're standing one and all fighting till we fall
Hoping for a better day
Never giving in until we find the words, till we find the words to say
Until we find the words to say...

Burning starfire, shine in the sky
For the lives of great men, who stand by your side
When the night falls, on we still go
For no lost souls will live on forever

Midnight on the valley below still the horsemen follow through
There’s a forest that leads to the foot of the hill that inside the magic holds
Seven strong they ride on along to the place where sorrow lies
And the shadow of the night will no longer hide all their mysteries come
undone

When the dust of the full moon will see the light and the weakest hearts go cold
And the warrior stands on top of the hill in the snow

And we're standing one and all fighting till we fall
Hoping for a better day
Never giving in until we find the words...till we find the words to say
Until we find the words to say...

Burning starfire, shine in the sky
For the lives of great men, who stand by your side
When the night falls, on we will ride
For no lost souls will live on forever

And we're standing one and all, fight until we fall
Hoping for a better day
Never giving in until we find the words...till we find the words to say
Until we find the words to say...

Burning starfire, shine in the sky
For the lives of great men, who stand by your side
When the night falls, on we will ride
For no lost souls will live on forever

No lost souls will live on for...ever

well this weekend wasn't the best Ash and I have ever had. we spent the whole time being pissed off with each other, over nothing it would seem. He's going away on wednesday and is all paranoid about things with me and Jake. Oh well. It's his problem. Jake's my friend.
Speaking of Jake, im seeing him this lunchtime, which is good because Ash and I agreed to hang out with other people today. Good idea really. Anyway...Jake worked out this song i really like and can't figure out myself, so i need to see him about that too. I also have a song to show him. I spent ages working to out. The tune changes in the second verse, it threw me off a bit. All good now though. I'm not very good at playing it yet, but i know Jke won't be too disappointed about it. ;). He's hell lovely

Anyway, i better go now.. TOo many people around
Seeya

Huzzah, I'm gonna have a fun 3rd period. Jake is coming up from Pemby at 11:15 to see me and give me a guitar lesson. That will be fucking awesome. He's pretty cool, and amazing with the guitar. It will be useful to hear what he has to say. Thats not for another 45 mins though :( I'm just going to fuck around on the computer until then, and since i have an awesome teacher, i can afford to because he thinks im doing work and doesn't really mind if im not because im getting an A anyway.
Ash got all pissed off and jealous today when I said I am getting guitar lessons from a guy. Im like, for fuck sake, why can't you just trust me? We're doing MUSIC things, im not going there to cheat on him. Geez it's so gay. I don't know if he'll be coming over anymore... I would like him to but his dad said he can't come...and he is one crazy man. So if Ash does come, he'll be asking for some serious shit apon his return. Godamn it. If he decides not to come, im going to go down to the coffee connection and hang with Jake. I AM allowed to have friends who are guys! What about Leon? he's a guy, he's my friend! Something wrong with making more guy friends? i dont think so. I woudlnt be mad if he had chick friends. If he chooses not to, then fine but it shouldn't effect me. I'm not as antisociel as Ash... bloody hell...

I talking to Jake! Emily gave me his Email addy. And now were talking. He is talking heaps. I've impressed him with my guitar. :D
Im haaaaappy
He's real nice

Well today on the bus we had a couple of moments. I didn't get a chance to properly talk to him because i was sitting with one of my friends. i was kinda disappointed actually because the one day he was on  the bus, I was sitting next to some one. But oh well. Next week I'll see him...hopefully. It's exam week and I don't know if he'll be at school. but he's been on thebus every thursday. Guess I'll just have to hope. Lol. Listen to me, acting like I have a crush on the boy. it's not that, seriously. He is just so interesting. No idea why.Guess he's just a person I must meet. it would be good to have another friend in pemby too. So sick of being alone. Although Ash may get pissed off if i hang out with another guy, So i need to be careful in that aspect.

I don't know what it is about him. I like him but  not like him, if you get my drift. I like him because he comes to the school to do music, dont know how many times a week, two or three I think. 
But yeah on the bus, I glanced at him, made eye contact and then i made him laugh when i hit Aaron over the head cuz he said "Shut up you goth/emo" I launched myself over to Jakes seat and hit Aaron, which was fucking funny. We had alot of silent communication today. Will be fun next time, :)

Ok well I better go, i have to go see my horses and clean my room *frowns and groans*

Seeya

I'm in photography right now and it's cool. we have the most awesome teacher in the world, Mr. Porteous. I am going to get some photos with him to take with me when I leave school in a couple of months. Ill miss him lol. It's good when you have a teacher who you get along with, who listens and gives you advise. He never tells you off when you've done something wrong, and even if you DO, he dosnt really mind.

This town is fucked up. It's sunny outside but it's still cold. OH well. We need some warmer weather because our paddock needs it to grow. My Poor horses will have to live on the and we don't want them to starve.

Ash is here today thank fuck. even though his bus was LATE AGAIN! It's so gay. Oh well. He's coming over tomorrow. It would be kinda weird if Jake was on the bus on friday :S effing inconvinient.

I want to go to New Zealand again. My dad is a Kiwi and half my family is over there. I love Maoris, they're so awesome. the world should be run by a Maori. It would be great place for everyone. I went to school over there for about 6 months and it was great. I loved it. Ill always miss the friends I made, I wonder if they Remember me?? Hmmm.
Shopping and Mini golf in Napier was always fun. I miss the shops :( Oh well. i'm sure Ill live

Ok well I gotta go. Pay some attention to poor little Jess who's sitting next to me...
Teehee

Laters

I'm in photography right now and it's cool. we have the most awesome teacher in the world, Mr. Porteous. I am going to get some photos with him to take with me when I leave school in a couple of months. Ill miss him lol. It's good when you have a teacher who you get along with, who listens and gives you advise. He never tells you off when you've done something wrong, and even if you DO, he dosnt really mind.

This town is fucked up. It's sunny outside but it's still cold. OH well. We need some warmer weather because our paddock needs it to grow. My Poor horses will have to live on the and we don't want them to starve.

Ash is here today thank fuck. even though his bus was LATE AGAIN! It's so gay. Oh well. He's coming over tomorrow. It would be kinda weird if Jake was on the bus on friday :S effing inconvinient.

I want to go to New Zealand again. My dad is a Kiwi and half my family is over there. I love Maoris, they're so awesome. the world should be run by a Maori. It would be great place for everyone. I went to school over there for about 6 months and it was great. I loved it. Ill always miss the friends I made, I wonder if they Remember me?? Hmmm.
Shopping and Mini gold in Napier was always fun. I miss the shops :( Oh well. i'm sure Ill live

Ok well I gotta go. Pay some attention to poor little Jess who's sitting next to me...
Teehee

Laters